WHAT YOU NEED IS A ROBOT WITH A DICK, MISSY...

As much as I am a firm believer of the fact that a man's place in a mutually exclusive relationship is that of leadership, I am also a strong advocate of women's equal rights with all its confusing interpretations especially by a cross section of the Nigerian womenfolk. I long for the day when a woman will invite me for a date and buy me lunch! Yes!!

So believe me when I say I had an interesting experience lately with a young woman who is a staunch proponent of the women liberation movement; drives her own car, pays her bills, not afraid to voice her opinions, not afraid to strike up an affair with any man she is interested in, and definitely not afraid to 'put' a man in his place. Just believe me.

I was all in agreement with all the above characteristics of my lady friend until I saw a pattern playing out by our third day together. Things that made me put on my thinking cap and do a retake of the unfolding episode.

First, I realised that she had all her outings planned out with me in tow....as her driver. To buy a phone for a relative, to go movie watching, to attend a cousin's wedding event, to make her hair.

In between these chaperoning exercise, she had me holding her phones, carrying her bag, helping her open doors and taking photographs of her at every turn.

Next, she always had a comment to say about how I laughed or frowned in public, how funny looking my outfit was, why I hadn't picked up the phone after about two rings when she called or why I wasn't acting romantic by cuddling her when sand flies fed on her.

By the second meeting, I already knew enough not to encourage this control freak of a woman but what helped me decide to wake away from the emotional wreck was when she couldn't hide her jealousy and sense of neediness on the third day.

Agreeing to another exclusive date the previous night, I had run into a bosom friend who I hadn't seen for years. I had to put off the date for later to catch up on old times with my buddy and when she called to know why there had been a change in plan, I apologised and assured her we still had time within the day for the get together. Her remarks and display of tantrum which I had put on speakerphone for my friend to witness betrayed what an insecure, rebellious and dangerous person I had been dealing with.

After she hung up, my friend asked me what all the hullabaloo was about and I told him everything.

His words still linger in my mind till this day: 'Guy, what that woman needs is not a man friend. What she needs is a robot with a dick.....'

Yeah, I couldn't agree better.

 

 

WHEN IS SHARING NOT OKAY IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Now this post is going to hurt but I need to get some feedback.
So here goes: when is sharing not okay in a relationship, be it an affair or a marriage?
Or do couples in love have to share any and everything just because they have to build/maintain trust?
I have had a few friendships that the other party felt I had to share my privacy all the time. For example, I had to keep my phone unlocked so she could play some inbuilt games or view the pictures in the gallery. And if any call did come in while we were together, I had to debrief her after the call on who phoned and  what the gist was all about.
In some other case, I had to leave my boxes in the wardrobe open so that the lady in question could 'arrange' my stuff whilst I was out at work. Now, I can't say the wardrobe didn't look better after the arrangement but I know she did some serious ransacking of my personal effects to find out whatever I may have been 'hiding' from her.
How about when couples have to go out to public places and one of them decides to flaunt his/her 'possession' to the world so that people know they are an item without considering that there are moments when the other party just wants to be free to behave as an individual with  his/her preferences, idiosyncrasies and demeanours?
Does being in a relationship mean a person can't have a 'me' time? Do we have to lose our sense of individuality to be able 'reassure' our partner that we are being faithful and true to the game?

LET'S JUST KISS AND SAY GOODBYE....

As I took my shower this morning and recalled a recent conversation with an ex-lover who was trying to stage a comeback. The lines in an oldie sang in the eighties that said something like '....am gonna miss you, I can't lie.... let's just kiss and say "goodbye"' came to mind.
I don't know why but there is this feeling we all get about returning back to an old love affair, especially when we find out we aren't really getting fulfilment in a new one or when we believe we still have a fighting chance to take the centrepiece of our object of affection's hearts.
Why do former lovebirds go back to a shut door and try the handle once more when they know that whatever had torn them apart would still be lurking somewhere in the shadows because of a truth, people don't change.
I have come to accept this fact that what a person can't tolerate can't be endured for long and no matter how much patchwork is done, the cracks start to show, sooner than later.
If there was any antidote that would have stopped the lovers from going their separate ways the first time, it would have been applied to keep them together then.
And attempt to come back usually accentuates the positions of the 'winner' and the 'loser', judging on who is spearheading the comeback attempt.
when the pot has cracked, it should only be kept for use as a monument and never as a container to hold water.
So I hope to say to my ex when I meet her face to face, 'let's just kiss and say goodbye'!
What is past, is past....

I LOVE HOLIDAYS...DON'T YOU?

Hurray! It is a holiday and guess what? Guys want to have Fun! Yeah, fun in capital letters because as my people say, it 'didn't' Easy!
Now what is fun can only be defined by the individual as we all have different things that help us relax and unwind during periods of recess. Let's take a look at some ways we could choose to spend our free time this Ramadan season.
First on the list is taking your family and friends for a swim. Now, I know that majority of the people in our communities only relate with water in a cup but believe me, swimming has itsttherapeutic effect on body, soul and spirit.  Learning to  swim is one life skill I recommend for everybody. So, take out some time to take a dive.
Next, go watch a movie at the cinema. No, not home video or Africa Magic things out, mbok( i beg you, in efik Language)! Please, get out of the house and experience the effect of HD (High definition) visuals and sounds. If you don't have a Silver bird Galleria, you might as well take a trip to the next Town! Which brings me to third suggestion.
Travel! We live in an Internet age where so many things we would have needed to experience are served to us via our bouquet of gadgets but truthfully,  they don't really substitute for the real McCoy. You don't have to have Accra or Dubai in Mind just! Travelling to the next town or your village is bound to shift your paradigm.  If you haven't  left your community for another in the last 12 months, you are missing a very important part of education. Do yourself that favour, Please!
Lastly, read a book this holiday. I mean from cover to cover, page to page. Life is not worth much with the same level of knowledge you had yesterday. Books open your mind and strengthen your conviction on many of life's important issues. It may be magazines, weekly tabloid , gossip journals or even an online publication but read, you should. Develop your brain by increasing the content of information.
As for me, I plan to  do all four and some more which I wouldn't want to share with the public. And I hope you all make the most of the holiday in building bonds of friendship, love and respect as we all set out to catch some Fun! Selah!

ARE YOU HAPPILY MARRIED OR JUST PLAIN MARRIED?

Being a single man at my age comes with a lot trepidation, ridicule and outright ostracization. Depending on how well those around you know you, you are reminded of the 'irus' of single hood you carry in your blood, sometimes in a subtle way, other times with as much intensity to deflate your self worth as a human being.
Over the years however, I have witnessed a myriad of marriages which were contracted with the confidence that they were going to make the storybook 'happy ever after' series but alas!they are still just barely a shadow of all the couples had professed it to be.
I have surreptitiously pried into the lives of some of these people and found out that they were taken in by emotions and a false sense of wishful thinking. The underlying feelings were usually bordered around hope of what should be rather than analyse what the situation actually was with respect to shared values, shared dreams and shared destination.
Most of the lovebirds I investigated never really knew each other; yes, they may have dated each other for months or years but they never as much as discussed fundamental issues like money management, sexual compatibility, career/ business advancement, divorce, unfaithfulness etc...
They dive into a lifetime commitment with no foundation in place or rules of engagement to refer to when the storms of life show up as they always do. And only then do they realise that they are now faced with the dilemma of either walking  out of the relationship  and remaining sane or putting up a facade all in the name of remaining married.
So I ask all those who have had the fortune to bear the title of Mr. and Mrs., 'Are you trying happily married or are you just 'plain' married to feel socially accepted?'

DOUBLE DATING OR BACK UP PLANNING?

I just finished an interesting read on one of Nigeria 'site prime social media where the article highlighted a young lady's preference to have a second boyfrien/ lover as a 'back up plan' in case her number one boyfriend decided to act slly and ditch the relationship.
So I ask, will having another intimate affair be seen as a back up plan or a case if double dating?
We are living in a time when nothing is assured anymore.
People do not subscribe to that old time truth that  man's worth is tied to his words. Imagine the series of failed marriages over sometimes very flimsy matters even after the couples would have stopped before man and God to start that it was going to be 'for better or for worse'!
So for God's sake, is it any surprising when people have decided to 'arm' themselves in relationships to ensure they don't come out being lovers as though they were playing a game of chess?
Would we say a man or woman who takes the extra measure of ensuring that he/she doesn't get short changed at the end of a romantic ride is being 'unfaithful'?
I guess we all have our valid justifications either ways so I won't be the judge to give a verdict for or against.
But whichever side of the divide you choose, always give thought to the third party in the equation whilst you try to force your opinion down our Throats! Enough said

DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS: THE CRUX OF THE MATTER

With the world becoming more and more if of a global village it is quite understandable and unfortunate that a major victim of this phenomenon is relationship.
On one front, people are compelled by the search for a greener pasture or adventure to separate from their loved ones to another geographical area to meet that need on the other hand, technology has helped bridge the vacuum that such separations used to create as  people in long distance relationships can keep in touch through phones, e-mails and even video conferencing.
but truthfully, can we say that relationships, especially those defined in the context of marriage, betrothal or exclusivity between a couple, thrive well in a virtual state caused by distance?
My experience, and a review of responses from a cross section of individuals who have witnessed the resultant effects of such separation, up ports the notion that there is more harm than good that comes out from distant selection ship.
tell me this, how does a lover cope when he/she wakes up in the middle of a rainy night, all cold and in need of a warm body to hug when the other party in the love equation is seven oceans away? How does one handle the sadness that greets a person who runs home after  victorious outing in an endeavor as he/she opens the door to his/her lonely house and there is no on to smile with and show the trophy won?
How does a person cope when there is the deep urge for a physical shoulder to cry on when the whole world seems not to care about the travails he/she is going through trying to stay alive and sane?
How does a person in a committed relationship ignore a proposition from someone close who is doing everything to remind you of what you are missing and pretending as if it didn't matter when you are faced with an option of a sting a little of the 'forbidden fruit', even if for a little while till all becomes 'normal' again?
Someone tell me, please.....

FINALLY, PROPOSICALLY...P-SQUARELLICALLY

The latest gist making d rounds is that one of our official bachelor's has thrown in the towel.
Peter Square, one of the duo of the P-Square home musical band has officially two proposed to his girl of over seven years with two kids in town.
Well, I guess all we can say from here is 'Congrats, dude for taking care of family business personally, Romantically!
For more updates visit the million social media sites in Cyberspace! But make sure you visit Linda ikeji's blogspot and read through the Comments! You Go laugh tire, I promise you all...

FROM A HUSBAND TO A JAILBIRD TO AN EX-CONVICT......

Borrowing a line usually recited by practitioners of my faith, it is with Jesus joy that I intimate you all that the Lagos state government has passed a law that sends any Mike Tyson oriented husband to jail, for battering his wife. Hurray! It was about time, you Know!
No doubt, this news must be sending shivers down the spines of every Lagos based pugilist husband and it lover but they shouldn't fear that they are alone on this one because it is only a matter of time before the remaining part of the country adopt this landmark legislation that will serve as antidote to the rising spate of domestic violence.
Two scenarios that may however fall out of from this undertaking make me want to appeal from the proponents of this law. Firstly, whose definition of 'battery' will the law enforcers accept whereby a report is made by a wife/female lover who obviously has no tell tale signs on her body to show that her man just finished practicing the latest 'hooks' on her? Judging from what we hear happens abroad where a woman set up her man to settle some domestic dispute, are we not about to see the opening of the floodgates to untrue and concocted reports lodged by opportunist women wanting to do their men in?
Secondly, if and when the man gets sentenced, can that be taken to be a prelude to commencing divorce actions? For the woman who gets to send her husband to prison would you open your arms and take back your man when he returns from sing-sing, hopefully a more civilised dude now, and be proud to show him off as your rehabilitated, ex-convict husband?
I guess only time will tell as we watch with bemusement at our dear nation plays catch up with other 'civilised' nations of the World!

HOME, SWEET HOME....

It has been seven wonderful days in the city of Lagos and I must say it was a big learning experience for me.
First, the four days intensive facilitators training workshop hosted Deloitte was world class and the model used was something so brand new to all the participants. And for me, having a white lady tutor me was a new experience altogether.
Surely, there is this thing Lagos does to its visitors that makes you have a dejavu feeling when the moment comes whenever you have to say goodbye and that is how I feel right now as I head towards the airport to leave the bustling metropolis and return home.
I love the Lagos feeling, not minding the traffic situation that leaves one exhausted, the never ending rush hour madness that flows from dawn to dusk,

the scheming dispositions of merchants to fleece you, the lack of agape love as 'nobody bring you come eko' , and an atmosphere  of  near success that may very well be the only consolation prize of many  of the residents of this great city of opportunities.
As I leave Lagos, I relive the experience and draw an analogy that makes me conclude on behalf the many visitors that come and go, that the city is reminiscent of a weekend escapade with an experienced mistress that leaves you fired up to run back to the arms of your legally married wife back home.
So, adios eko and welcome Uyo, my home, sweet Home!